This last Mother's day was, as it has been, ever since you disappeared, a most unhappy one for our mom.
I cannot even imagine what mom feels on Mother's day- maybe it's just the same feeling she has felt since June 29, 1975.
I try to band-aid her emotions but nothing, absolutely nothing, works. She tries to make herself feel better by doing things to occupy herself but in reality, she spends so much of her time at church, in church, with the church, that it has become somewhat of a band-aid for her emotions.
I just know that, now as a mother myself, I would pretty much live in despair and find it very difficult to go through the motions of being happy, of being alive, of just being, but without someone that you loved so much with all your heart and soul.
It's just not fair that this day has to come every year, because year after year, mom is just reminded about mothering a most wonderful son she no longer has anymore, has no idea what has happened to him or has no definitive expectations of ever seeing him again.
It's just not a Happy Mother's day at all for mom without you here and that is why it has taken me a while to write this since last May but in all honesty, it would just be better if it never came around for her at all. No matter what I do, what I give her, what I write to her on her card, it's not closure to your chapter- your chapter is left opened and untouched for so long now.
Maybe one day soon...
And now with Father's day right around the corner, I must wonder, if you, as a father, would even think of unleashing the past and letting all be known for the sake of how our dad once felt about you. Mirror images of who we are and what we have become are unexpected but worth the rare occasion because we actually do become our parents in a weird way- we would never think of it as young kids but it's a reality that faces us with time and if you are a father- what is it you tell your kids about your past? About your family? Too much mystery cannot last forever.
