37 years ago today was the last time I ever saw you, when I peeked out those blinds and saw you drive off with dad that early morning to meet with Betty Witherspoon, Nick Diaz, his sister, Ana Ayala and her family;
37 years ago today was the last time I ever heard your voice talking to mom in the kitchen before you left with dad;
37 years ago today was the last time I ever had my brother to laugh with, to play with, to fight over Snicker's candy bars with;
37 years ago today was the last time I was a sibling, left to be an only child;
37 years ago today was the last time I got to love my brother with that last look of him through those blinds;
For these past 37 years, it's as if mom and I have been living a surreal dream- one we are wanting to wake up from- one we are no longer wanting to part of- one that we want to end;
For God's sake and mom's please just pick up the phone and call her- she is waiting for you to call her- she's actually expecting it- she will be fine believe me- she has so much faith in God that you will return to her and hopefully with a handful of grandkids that she so desperately wants to see;
37 years ago today began the story of what is yours, mine, mom's, our uncles and aunts and our cousins;
37 years ago today- June 29th, 1975, was the saddest day for all of us.
God bless you Junior, wherever you may be and I just hope that for these past 37 years you have not forgotten who your family is, where you came from and that we expect you home very, very soon.
37 years is a long time ago, but it's as if it were just this morning, when I peeked out my blinds here at home and I saw you and dad driving out from our little driveway at our little home on Woodlawn street. That image will forever be engraved in my mind.
37 years ago today was the last day I ever got to see your big, beautiful eyes, so sleepy that I wondered why you had to go on that trip; I wondered why you didn't just come back inside and go to sleep because it was so early in the morning;
37 years ago today you could have seen me at my 1st tennis lesson; you could have been with the whole family and Tio Kiko's BBQ................
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Mother's day Father's day 2012
This last Mother's day was, as it has been, ever since you disappeared, a most unhappy one for our mom.
I cannot even imagine what mom feels on Mother's day- maybe it's just the same feeling she has felt since June 29, 1975.
I try to band-aid her emotions but nothing, absolutely nothing, works. She tries to make herself feel better by doing things to occupy herself but in reality, she spends so much of her time at church, in church, with the church, that it has become somewhat of a band-aid for her emotions.
I just know that, now as a mother myself, I would pretty much live in despair and find it very difficult to go through the motions of being happy, of being alive, of just being, but without someone that you loved so much with all your heart and soul.
It's just not fair that this day has to come every year, because year after year, mom is just reminded about mothering a most wonderful son she no longer has anymore, has no idea what has happened to him or has no definitive expectations of ever seeing him again.
It's just not a Happy Mother's day at all for mom without you here and that is why it has taken me a while to write this since last May but in all honesty, it would just be better if it never came around for her at all. No matter what I do, what I give her, what I write to her on her card, it's not closure to your chapter- your chapter is left opened and untouched for so long now.
Maybe one day soon...
And now with Father's day right around the corner, I must wonder, if you, as a father, would even think of unleashing the past and letting all be known for the sake of how our dad once felt about you. Mirror images of who we are and what we have become are unexpected but worth the rare occasion because we actually do become our parents in a weird way- we would never think of it as young kids but it's a reality that faces us with time and if you are a father- what is it you tell your kids about your past? About your family? Too much mystery cannot last forever.
I cannot even imagine what mom feels on Mother's day- maybe it's just the same feeling she has felt since June 29, 1975.
I try to band-aid her emotions but nothing, absolutely nothing, works. She tries to make herself feel better by doing things to occupy herself but in reality, she spends so much of her time at church, in church, with the church, that it has become somewhat of a band-aid for her emotions.
I just know that, now as a mother myself, I would pretty much live in despair and find it very difficult to go through the motions of being happy, of being alive, of just being, but without someone that you loved so much with all your heart and soul.
It's just not fair that this day has to come every year, because year after year, mom is just reminded about mothering a most wonderful son she no longer has anymore, has no idea what has happened to him or has no definitive expectations of ever seeing him again.
It's just not a Happy Mother's day at all for mom without you here and that is why it has taken me a while to write this since last May but in all honesty, it would just be better if it never came around for her at all. No matter what I do, what I give her, what I write to her on her card, it's not closure to your chapter- your chapter is left opened and untouched for so long now.
Maybe one day soon...
And now with Father's day right around the corner, I must wonder, if you, as a father, would even think of unleashing the past and letting all be known for the sake of how our dad once felt about you. Mirror images of who we are and what we have become are unexpected but worth the rare occasion because we actually do become our parents in a weird way- we would never think of it as young kids but it's a reality that faces us with time and if you are a father- what is it you tell your kids about your past? About your family? Too much mystery cannot last forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)