On your 53 Birthday Christmas Eve 2012

                   Remember the parties,
                                      Remember the cousins,
                                                         Remember the Aunts and Uncles,
                                                                              Remember Mom and Dad,
                                                                                                     Remember your little sister

                                                              Happy 53th Birthday
                                      To my brother Roger whom we have not seen since 1975
                                     Still waiting and hoping that one day you will return to us
                                                                         Soon
                                                    God Bless you wherever you may be

November 15, 2012

This day marked my 49th birthday. I haven't seen you since I was 11. Don't you think it's about time we reunite? You may not recognize me, of course, after 38 years, who would? Just a thought hermano. Si la tristeza grece durante los annos, quien nos puede salvar?

A tailgate party forms the past

I still wonder why you didn't attend Holy Cross HS since we lived so close to it, anyhow, I did see one of your friends from Little Flower school, Danny De Luna. He recognized my husband, who also attended Little Flower, and that is how the conversation began. As soon as he mentioned that he graduated from Holy Cross in 1978, I asked him if he remembered you and he said "yeah, the one that drowned, right?" and I mentioned to him that we believe you are alive to this day. I explained to him how you were seen by many people after your disappearance and I told him that even Betty and Ana saw you at San Pedro park but by the time they went to go get Ana's mom to have her see you for herself, you were already gone. Danny now works for the county Sheriff's department and it was just great seeing someone from back then, someone that remembered you.

More pet stories

Our dog Spotty

You can obviously tell it was you, Junior, who took this picture of our dog Spotty. You can see your shadow on the ground. I'm not sure what kind of breed he was but I just remember he being a very good dog to us, very gentle and protective and not at all hostile with our neighbors. Spotty lived to be very old. He got to make the move with mom and I after dad passed away. He took good care of us until he quietly died. He never led us to suspect he was going to leave us. He even died while doing what he did best, surveying the back yard and that is where he was found, standing under some hanging bushes by a stone wall in our back yard, hiding his face from us, as if he did not want to see us look at him as he slipped away or he did not want to say good bye to us, either. Spotty was the dog we got when dad traded our big white German Shepherd Bozo for him because Bozo use to jump over the fence and chase the post man away! Bozo also chewed up my Mrs. Beasley doll. (You know if you watch MeTV you can see that doll on the show called Family Affair.)  

"Snoopy for President"  click on this link to hear the song by The Royal Guardsmen

                                                                    Our dog Snoopy
Back in April of 1973, Snoopy was a puppy. I remember we were big fans of the comic Snoopy also and we even enjoyed listening to your 45 record of that song "Snoopy for President". When you left us 2 years and 2 months after you took this picture, Snoopy went on a hunt for you. He managed to get out of the yard some how and got run over one night but not just once, it appears twice as dad suspected. Snoopy was hurt badly and I remember when dad walked in the door and I saw his face, a face that said I don't want to say anything about what I just saw outside, but he came in to get a box and a towel and we went outside to put Snoopy in the box, very carefully, because he was bleeding and two legs were broken on his right side. We took him to the vet over on St. Cloud and Woodlawn, the one by the bank, and we waited for the vet to examine him. Dad and I waited in the waiting room for quite some time and the vet finally came out and told us that he was in very bad shape. He told us it would cost $800.00 to do surgery on him because of his broken bones. Dad and I just looked at each other and he had this look that told me that the surgery was not an option at all. Back then mom and dad were just paying $45.00 a month on the house payment for a new home! And the vet wanted $800.00? Then the vet gave us an option, and I thought it was going to be a good one, he said "Or we can put him to sleep". I looked at dad and said "Why does he want Snoopy to sleep right now? Snoopy is scared and thirsty and hungry." Dad just shook his head and told the doctor thanks, but we were just going to take him home with us. I eventually learned as I was growing up that the vet meant to kill him- put him to sleep forever- wow well that never crossed my mind.
I was so used to seeing dad taking care of everything and fixing everything for us and I just knew he could help Snoopy through this almost tragedy. We went to abuelita's house but on the way we stopped at the store to buy some frozen popsicles. When we got to the house, mom and I passed out popsicles for everyone to eat and then dad asked me to collect the little wooden sticks and wash them. While we were eating these popsicles, 'buelita gave Snoopy some left overs, probably of rice and beans, and he ate it up as if he hadn't eaten in days so he got his energy up and I recall dad saying that it was a good sign that he had his appetite back. Snoopy could not get around on his own and all the cousins were just looking at him in the box. Dad then came out to the back yard and brought some gauze tape and the wooden popsicle sticks already dried up from the wash and he made Snoopy a couple of splints over his legs. I could not believe what our dad had thought of and more than that- those splints worked! Snoopy limped around with those little make shift leg casts and he made it through like this until he completely healed from his back leg and his front one stayed with a little limp. Everyone was shocked to see that Snoopy actually survived.
Snoopy also joined mom and I on our move after dad passed away and he lived to be very old. I use to make him scrambled eggs and cream cheese in the morning and he just loved that. I was in my first year in college at SAC and I recall feeling something at around noon during English composition class and when I got home, I found Snoopy on the floor in our house. He waited to take his last breath when he saw me and I immediately called mom at work. Mom, well she began to cry over the phone and she took the rest of the day off from work to just be at home and think about Snoopy. To this day she does not want to take care of any puppy at all because she was so close to Snoopy.

37th in 2012

37 years ago today was the last time I ever saw you, when I peeked out those blinds and saw you drive off with dad that early morning to meet with Betty Witherspoon, Nick Diaz, his sister, Ana Ayala and her family;

37 years ago today was the last time I ever heard your voice talking to mom in the kitchen before you left with dad;

37 years ago today was the last time I ever had my brother to laugh with, to play with, to fight over Snicker's candy bars with;

37 years ago today was the last time I was a sibling, left to be an only child;

37 years ago today was the last time I got to love my brother with that last look of him through those blinds;

For these past 37 years, it's as if mom and I have been living a surreal dream- one we are wanting to wake up from- one we are no longer wanting to part of- one that we want to end;

For God's sake and mom's please just pick up the phone and call her- she is waiting for you to call her- she's actually expecting it- she will be fine believe me- she has so much faith in God that you will return to her and hopefully with a handful of grandkids that she so desperately wants to see;

37 years ago today began the story of what is yours, mine, mom's, our uncles and aunts and our cousins;

37 years ago today- June 29th, 1975, was the saddest day for all of us.

God bless you Junior, wherever you may be and I just hope that for these past 37 years you have not forgotten who your family is, where you came from and that we expect you home very, very soon.

37 years is a long time ago, but it's as if it were just this morning, when I peeked out my blinds here at home and I saw you and dad driving out from our little driveway at our little home on Woodlawn street. That image will forever be engraved in my mind.

37 years ago today was the last day I ever got to see your big, beautiful eyes, so sleepy that I wondered why you had to go on that trip; I wondered why you didn't just come back inside and go to sleep because it was so early in the morning;

37 years ago today you could have seen me at my 1st tennis lesson; you could have been with the whole family and Tio Kiko's BBQ................

Mother's day Father's day 2012

This last Mother's day was, as it has been, ever since you disappeared, a most unhappy one for our mom.
I cannot even imagine what mom feels on Mother's day- maybe it's just the same feeling she has felt since June 29, 1975.
I try to band-aid her emotions but nothing, absolutely nothing, works. She tries to make herself feel better by doing things to occupy herself but in reality, she spends so much of her time at church, in church, with the church, that it has become somewhat of a band-aid for her emotions.
I just know that, now as a mother myself, I would pretty much live in despair and find it very difficult to go through the motions of being happy, of being alive, of just being, but without someone that you loved so much with all your heart and soul.
It's just not fair that this day has to come every year, because year after year, mom is just reminded about mothering a most wonderful son she no longer has anymore, has no idea what has happened to him or has no definitive expectations of ever seeing him again.
It's just not a Happy Mother's day at all for mom without you here and that is why it has taken me a while to write this since last May but in all honesty, it would just be better if it never came around for her at all. No matter what I do, what I give her, what I write to her on her card, it's not closure to your chapter- your chapter is left opened and untouched for so long now.
Maybe one day soon...
And now with Father's day right around the corner, I must wonder, if you, as a father, would even think of unleashing the past and letting all be known for the sake of how our dad once felt about you. Mirror images of who we are and what we have become are unexpected but worth the rare occasion because we actually do become our parents in a weird way- we would never think of it as young kids but it's a reality that faces us with time and if you are a father- what is it you tell your kids about your past? About your family? Too much mystery cannot last forever.

More mystery

As I go through all these mementos that mom has collected for you, I stop and remember bits and pieces of what else occurred right after your disappearance. It is an overwhelming task but it's one I don't mind doing at all, if it means that you yourself are reading this or someone that you know may be reading this, because as I mentioned before, we believe you are alive.
We held a votive mass for you at Holy Rosary Church about two months after your disappearance. We did this to get everyone together and pray for you. Betty and Ana showed up. I remember crying uncontrollably in the foyer of the church after the mass, that it provoked Ana and Betty to take me into the ladies restroom to calm me down. I just remember them hovering over me, Ana holding my arm, and Betty telling Ana, and I quote what I heard, "We need to tell her!" Ana responded in an agitated voice "No! We can't tell her". All I know is that Ana looked quite upset with her eyes bulging out of her head expelling a most livid look from her face. Ana could not believe that Betty even said that to her in front of me. Since then, I knew there was some kind of secret lingering. I did not tell mom about it right away because I was still in shock about you and now trying to make sense of what I heard just complicated things for an 11 year old little girl.
As time went on, we sought out help from 'special' people. Maybe I already mentioned this before in my postings but we did seek out, in desperation, some kind of information about you and all we got was that they 'felt' or perceived or just knew by their God-given talent that you did not drown, that you were and are very much alive. One 'special' person even told us that they 'saw' you in a uniform. All I know is that we have looked for you here in the United States of course but maybe this disappearance appears to be without a trace because we have not sought you out in other countries. There is only so much we can do but I will not stop writing or posting until something comes up. I thank God for this medium of the internet that goes world-wide.
As Easter is approaching I hope you do reflect on all this and know that we have been major participants in this passion of suffering over your disappearance, and I am sure you have suffered also being apart from your family, but just as Easter symbolizes new life, we look forward to this day, soon, hopefully, and if it be God's will, of course.

April 4, 1932

Today marks what would be our dad's 80th birthday. Some of his memories include graduating from Lanier HS in 1950, being a frequent visitor of Playland park, being in the US Coast Guard, working at Fort Sam in the Topography department as a map maker. His best memory, of course, is being your dad, our dad and mom's best friend.
God bless you dad.

A note about our dad from Tio Raul:
Nice pictures. Your dad bought us a shoe shine kit, one with the wooden box and all the supplies. We used it at the house but never for what he intended..to make some money on Zarzamora St. He gave us pointers and where to go and what to do, but we were too timid and not hungry enough I guess.
Tio

Thanks, Tio Raul, for your reply, as a matter of fact it reminded me of a story that my Tia Mine Diaz told me about dad when he was a very young man. Dad did shine shoes in San Antonio on Zarzamora Street and he got to shine the shoes of a very famous actor/comedian: Mario Moreno aka "Cantinflas". Mr. Moreno gave dad a $5 bill for that shoe shine and back then, in the 1940's, that was a lot of money! Dad was also very meticulous with our shoes. We did not have many pairs but the shoes we did have he took very good care for us. I remember him cleaning our shoes every weekend and leaving them on top of the washer for them to dry. They always looked as if they were brand new.

El mes de marzo

March is an exciting month only because so much happens: Spring break for students, the winter weather changes to nice sunny days and birthday's celebrated. Mom and dad's wedding anniversary is March 29th and the last one they celebrated was in 1976. They were almost married 18 years in 1977 except that dad decided to cut that short.
The day of March 24, 1977, began as regular as it could since your disappearance. Dad was now taking medications for depression and I did see him a bit uneasy that morning, walking back and forth from the hallway to the kitchen with his arms crossed, then holding his hands together, rubbing them as if in a pensive state, looking bewildered, appearing preoccupied in his deepest thoughts.
I had my usual breakfast of toast and juice and then mom took me to school. I was in 7th grade at Little Flower and I remember being excited that I was now in those upstairs classrooms where you once were.
Around noon, I remember that I felt something very unusual that it made me look out the window and I saw a sparkle of light close to me, right there in the classroom. I was in Science class with Ms. Trevino, and after I saw this sparkle of light I looked at the clock and it was during that noon-ish hour. I didn't think anything of it until later.
After school I looked for mom or dad to pick me up after school. Neither showed up. My best friend's mom told me she was taking me home. I just loved driving around in their light blue VW van. They took me to their home over by Woodlawn lake and I waited for mom to get there. She picked me up and all I remember is that I was waiting for her as I looked out the door and I saw her walking up the walkway. Our drive home was quiet and I don't recall why she said she could not pick me up but she did begin to tell me that something was wrong with dad. When we arrived home, Tia Mine, dad's sister, was there and I remember she looked like she had been crying. Mom took me to the bathroom and told me that dad had shot himself. I covered my face and began to cry and I told her, "ok, so is the doctor going to take the bullet out? Let's go to the hospital right away and check on him". Mom was knelt in front of me and she grabbed my arms and just shook her head no, and I asked her why and she told me that he had died already.
At that moment I figured out that the little sparkle of light I saw in the classroom was dad's Spirit coming to see me and to bid me farewell. That little spark of his life was the last thing I saw of him.
If you recall, as children we use to run around in the back yard at night and catch those little light bugs and put them in containers to play with- if I had a container at that moment and had known that the little sparkle of light right before me in class was dad, I would have locked him up and asked him: why?
I was now fatherless. Aside from just becoming brotherless, I was now fatherless. What happened was that the two most important men in my life were now gone from my life and all within the span of 1 year, 8 months and 24 days. Now brother, this is just not fair. It gets worse.
The funeral was surreal to me. I felt as though I was being pushed along in a cloud. The funeral took place at Holy Rosary Church next to St. Mary's University, the university I graduated from in 1989. I wore a very bright lime green pant suit. I remember thinking I could pass for Kermit's girlfriend. Anyway, Father Ross was scheduled to do dad's mass but at the last minute, he didn't show. Some other priest did his mass but I do not recall his name. I am not sure if it had to do with the fact that dad committed suicide, but I think it did have to do with that. Really, though, I am not sure. 
After the funeral, which also took place on what would have been mom and dad's 18th wedding anniversary, I learned the details of his death.
Dad found it necessary to place a rifle to his chest, right into his heart, while kneeling down in your room, and ended his life. Mom told me she had been on the phone with Dr. Tamez telling him of what he was doing when Dr. Tamez heard the shot, he called the ambulance and the police to our little home on Woodlawn Ave. Mom was interrogated by the police. I felt so badly for her having to go through all that, all alone, in what was now an official crime scene. I can't believe that in our little home, where we shared so many memories, was now a casket of darkness. It seemed as if dark clouds were choking us and I found it very hard to breathe. Needless to say, mom's day didn't go as planned and neither did mine. Our lives were shattered into a countless number- way beyond measure- that day and we can care less for reliving that day or the day that you disappeared. March is a month I really would rather just skip altogether
After dad's funeral, I was bullied at school by my classmates as they constantly questioned me what happened to my dad- they wanted to know how he died (I got the feeling they knew the truth somehow). I was given direct orders to say that he died from a heart attack because attending a Catholic school and adhering to strict beliefs held by the Catholic Church and of the commandments, especially, 'thou shall not kill', and that anyone who committed suicide went directly to hell.
I suffered from many dreams after that, seeing dad falling down into a hole of fire. I felt that every time my "friends" would ask me how dad died, they were laughing behind my back because I knew that they knew where my dad would end up.
Mom had pictures taken at the funeral in case she needed to show you. I don't think she would want to anyway because the rumors then began that dad did this because of you.
I don't really care to reason why he did this because I know now that anyone who can take their own life is not reasoning very well in their head and most of all I asked myself- wasn't I worth it for him to not do it? Wasn't mom worth if for him to not do it? There is no reasoning here- at all- but I do know there is forgiveness and God does forgive those who go to such lengths, those who are desperate and hurting beyond belief.

Back Home Again by Clara Ashmore

Some urging within me keeps calling
For me to come home just once more.
My thoughts travel to faraway places,
To the land where I'd been long before.
My faltering steps prevent wandering,
So, only in dreams can I flee.
In my chair I sit and remember
It's the place where I want to be.
Tonight I will walk in the moonlight
Listening to the sounds close by;
On the grass dew gleams like diamonds
As if stars had fallen from the sky.
I will think of the home of my childhood,
To the place I still hold most dear;
As I close my eyes and remember,
The memories flood back all too clear.
I can feel the sun and soft breezes,
The smell of my mom's apple pie.
I imagine the days of my chidhood
With the magic of dreams long gone by.

I just received this Salesian Inspirational book today in the mail and when I opened it, I immediately came to this page. I do believe in destiny, and I felt I was destined to read this poem. It does fit in with my blog and the reason why I am writing this. Although my childhood was filled with adversity, I do still cherish the memories before the heartache began.
I would like to thank Clara for writing this because for me, it just fits so perfectly.

Remembering you

This photo was taken of us around 1965- it looks like you are around 5 or six years old here.
Abuelita had high hopes to see you before she passed, so did Abuelito. They kept giving mom birthday cards for you on Christmas Eve every single year. She still has them to this day. I guess it was a manner in which our grandparents could keep your memory alive and doing this just proved that they believed in your return, as well. Now that they are gone, physically from earth, I truly believe they are watching over you from heaven above. Their love for you never relinquished. Just knowing that is enough said.

On our mom's birthday today

Our mom turns 74 years old today, February 18th. If you can remember, she has two birthdays, this one being her real birthday and on September 18 because that is the date they registered her in Allende, Coahuila, Mexico.  We are lucky she has no health problems, thank God, just that she is going to have surgery on her cataracts. The one thing that has worried me is after so many years of living alone, she has made resolutions to her circumstances on her own and in her own way. The one thing that has helped her along the way of living as a mother with her only son missing, is her faith in God. As a matter of fact, she is at church right now and is staying for a charismatic meeting after mass. I am thankful for her strong and undeniable faith in God and I am thankful she has modeled that to both of us, since we were children, she has been very stern about her faith. I hope that where ever you may be, that you will think about our mom and say a prayer for her because all these years she has wondered if you have ever told anyone where you come from, who your mother is and where she is from and so forth. She is a model of faith to me and will remain for as long as I live and I hope she means the same to you.
Feliz cumple años, mamá.

Another note from Tio Raul

Cindy,
  Shortly after Junior's disappearance your Dad and I took several trips to the coast looking for him or looking for anything about his whereabouts.  We visited an Aunt of his (coastal town??) that scolded your Dad because she hadn't seen any of your Dad's family in a long time.  We also saw a nephew of his in Houston maybe Rene..not sure.  We camped out on a corner store's parking lot one time and the clerk called the cops on us. 
  Another time found us in the middle of evening beach festivities (didn't have a brew..I wanted one) we just looked and looked through the crowds.  Later that night we were cruising at highway speed and we took out a beautiful German Shepherd lying in the middle of our road.
  We showed Junior's picture and talked to many people in all those little towns looking for any shred of news or information.  I think we scared some folks in the process..some told us things we wanted to hear just to get rid of us.

Tio

The little pink tennis outfit

I don't know if you remember how much we use to go play tennis at Woodlawn Park but I know I liked it very much. As a matter of fact, Dad use to play tennis with us a lot and I remember how one time I hit that tennis ball so hard that I sent my racquet flying across the net, too. It was so funny. Dad and I busted out in laughter that we just couldn't stop laughing. I can see that racquet flying really, really high and away and thinking to myself, "I shouldn't have done that!". Dad saw how much I enjoyed playing with him that he signed me up for tennis lessons at San Pedro Park. My first class was scheduled for June 29, 1975, that same Saturday that you disappeared from the Ayala family. Right before we left for Matagorda Beach after the phone call, I folded the little pink tennis outfit I was supposed to wear to my first tennis lesson and placed it in my dresser drawer. Seeing it just brought back the saddest memory for me.
This wasn't the only thing I withdrew from after you disappeared but also the guitar lessons, the piano lessons, the flute lessons and the clarinet lessons. It was as if the music died in me the day you became missing.
A few years ago, when I picked up the guitar to play at the church where I was teaching, I became overwhelmed because the music we were playing was from the '70's and it was music you and I use to sing to when we attended mass at Little Flower Church where we attended school.

Life after your disappearance

It was very difficult to face reality after your disappearance. Dad was very adamant about finding you. Since the private investigator did not work out, he pretty much took things into his own hands. I remember him leaving the house and not knowing where and how long he would be but he was very deep in his own thoughts. I did find out that the Ayala's reported dad to the authorities because he would park at San Pedro park, across from the Ayala's house, and just kept an eye on them. Dad was very suspicious of them because as it was they had told us that they planned on going to Corpus Christi, not to Matagorda Beach. Why they made a change without letting us know still does not make sense. If you are holding yourself responsible for another child's life, then it is just logical to make those parents aware of any deviation from the original plans.
Dad spent so much time looking for you that, one day, when he was making his rounds around Brackenridge Park, another driver hit dad from the back in his black and white Ford. This accident caused him whip lash and it made his job as a map maker, difficult. He was not able to bend his neck easily in order to look into that machine to draw those maps at Fort Sam.
Dad applied for a medical disability and he was not given a full disability. He had to do something with his time and so he went into business for himself. We rented an old store with the house in back of it in the West side of San Antonio. I'll ask mom the name of the street and edit this soon. But it was pretty neat and I saw dad getting himself involved in a project that kept him busy. Originally he had wanted to buy the place over on Bandera and Woodlawn and make a Laundry mat store but that did not pan out. So dad took over this little store and I remember we sold candies and old furniture. Dad would restore these old, antique chairs and sell them. I remember there was a refrigerator for meats and even an electric meat trimmer. He did use it once to trim a brisket. I still remember to this day how he did it. I also recall how he was redoing the little house in back. The entire floor was taken out and I remember walking through the dirt inside the house. Dad had a lot to do now and it kept him busy.
Dad also started his own franchise of a candy company through Tio Ramiro's candy store from Reynosa, México but here we called it RoMar for Rogelio and Marina, and we had all the recipe's to make Tio's candy. I am not sure if this occurred before we had the furniture store or after. We rented a place next door to Tio Pilo's little store and that was our 'fabrica' where we made the candy and packaged it and then dad would go out and sell it to little stores. I would help mom mix the ingredients together in large plastic bowls and help her package the end product into bags or into little plastic cups. Dad taught me to use the sealer machine that would melt the plastic of the packs. I would also go with dad downtown to buy the boxes, the little Daisy cups, the rubber bands, the labels for the boxes with the company's name printed on it. It was fun and I learned a lot doing that.
Just recently, I went with my friend to buy some apples downtown (my husband and I made candy apples for our daughter's debate club) and the store we went to was right across the street from where I went with dad to buy the boxes. I was so overwhelmed when I saw that place that I even dropped my purse because I could see this 12 year old little girl walking into that place with her dad and it has been 36 years ago. The chills of that thought/image must have made me drop my purse.
What to do after you left was an overwhelming task. Now that dad did not have his job with the civil service just made things worse and that is when he became depressed. These projects he attempted just were not replacing you and it did not work for very long.