What comprises a possible act of heroism? The fact that one acts upon a thought or impulse or the fact that one ponders the outcome of that impulse?
Easily can I communicate with one of those persons that went with my brother to what is implied as his last trip to the beach- Matagorda Beach to be specific.
Most importantly, that my mother knows that I can easily communicate with this person is even more devastating for me and approves my impulsive thoughts.
Would it be an intrusion on this person's life? Now I'm thinking about it too much and no longer is it an impulse. Yes, of course it would be an intrusion. Maybe they have forgotten about my brother already. Doubtful, though. It's sad to have to think that I need to bring this up so many years later and see if they know of any details that can lead us to settle this mysterious disappearance. In case you don't know what I'm writing about, you need to go to the beginning of the blog and read from My Intention.
Arriving at this landmark age of half a century today and knowing I had my brother for only 11 of those years, makes me want to jump out of this nightmare we have been living since June 29, 1975 and just end it. Be what may, good or bad, we need to know just what happened to Junior, aka my only brother, Roger. Let's see if I can do it. Let's see if I can communicate with this person and get some answers about the past.
Showing posts with label Little Flower School San Antonio. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Little Flower School San Antonio. Show all posts
Friday, November 15, 2013
Friday, July 27, 2012
More pet stories
Our dog Spotty
You can obviously tell it was you, Junior, who took this picture of our dog Spotty. You can see your shadow on the ground. I'm not sure what kind of breed he was but I just remember he being a very good dog to us, very gentle and protective and not at all hostile with our neighbors. Spotty lived to be very old. He got to make the move with mom and I after dad passed away. He took good care of us until he quietly died. He never led us to suspect he was going to leave us. He even died while doing what he did best, surveying the back yard and that is where he was found, standing under some hanging bushes by a stone wall in our back yard, hiding his face from us, as if he did not want to see us look at him as he slipped away or he did not want to say good bye to us, either. Spotty was the dog we got when dad traded our big white German Shepherd Bozo for him because Bozo use to jump over the fence and chase the post man away! Bozo also chewed up my Mrs. Beasley doll. (You know if you watch MeTV you can see that doll on the show called Family Affair.)
"Snoopy for President" click on this link to hear the song by The Royal Guardsmen
Back in April of 1973, Snoopy was a puppy. I remember we were big fans of the comic Snoopy also and we even enjoyed listening to your 45 record of that song "Snoopy for President". When you left us 2 years and 2 months after you took this picture, Snoopy went on a hunt for you. He managed to get out of the yard some how and got run over one night but not just once, it appears twice as dad suspected. Snoopy was hurt badly and I remember when dad walked in the door and I saw his face, a face that said I don't want to say anything about what I just saw outside, but he came in to get a box and a towel and we went outside to put Snoopy in the box, very carefully, because he was bleeding and two legs were broken on his right side. We took him to the vet over on St. Cloud and Woodlawn, the one by the bank, and we waited for the vet to examine him. Dad and I waited in the waiting room for quite some time and the vet finally came out and told us that he was in very bad shape. He told us it would cost $800.00 to do surgery on him because of his broken bones. Dad and I just looked at each other and he had this look that told me that the surgery was not an option at all. Back then mom and dad were just paying $45.00 a month on the house payment for a new home! And the vet wanted $800.00? Then the vet gave us an option, and I thought it was going to be a good one, he said "Or we can put him to sleep". I looked at dad and said "Why does he want Snoopy to sleep right now? Snoopy is scared and thirsty and hungry." Dad just shook his head and told the doctor thanks, but we were just going to take him home with us. I eventually learned as I was growing up that the vet meant to kill him- put him to sleep forever- wow well that never crossed my mind.
I was so used to seeing dad taking care of everything and fixing everything for us and I just knew he could help Snoopy through this almost tragedy. We went to abuelita's house but on the way we stopped at the store to buy some frozen popsicles. When we got to the house, mom and I passed out popsicles for everyone to eat and then dad asked me to collect the little wooden sticks and wash them. While we were eating these popsicles, 'buelita gave Snoopy some left overs, probably of rice and beans, and he ate it up as if he hadn't eaten in days so he got his energy up and I recall dad saying that it was a good sign that he had his appetite back. Snoopy could not get around on his own and all the cousins were just looking at him in the box. Dad then came out to the back yard and brought some gauze tape and the wooden popsicle sticks already dried up from the wash and he made Snoopy a couple of splints over his legs. I could not believe what our dad had thought of and more than that- those splints worked! Snoopy limped around with those little make shift leg casts and he made it through like this until he completely healed from his back leg and his front one stayed with a little limp. Everyone was shocked to see that Snoopy actually survived.
Snoopy also joined mom and I on our move after dad passed away and he lived to be very old. I use to make him scrambled eggs and cream cheese in the morning and he just loved that. I was in my first year in college at SAC and I recall feeling something at around noon during English composition class and when I got home, I found Snoopy on the floor in our house. He waited to take his last breath when he saw me and I immediately called mom at work. Mom, well she began to cry over the phone and she took the rest of the day off from work to just be at home and think about Snoopy. To this day she does not want to take care of any puppy at all because she was so close to Snoopy.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
El mes de marzo
March is an exciting month only because so much happens: Spring break for students, the winter weather changes to nice sunny days and birthday's celebrated. Mom and dad's wedding anniversary is March 29th and the last one they celebrated was in 1976. They were almost married 18 years in 1977 except that dad decided to cut that short.
The day of March 24, 1977, began as regular as it could since your disappearance. Dad was now taking medications for depression and I did see him a bit uneasy that morning, walking back and forth from the hallway to the kitchen with his arms crossed, then holding his hands together, rubbing them as if in a pensive state, looking bewildered, appearing preoccupied in his deepest thoughts.
I had my usual breakfast of toast and juice and then mom took me to school. I was in 7th grade at Little Flower and I remember being excited that I was now in those upstairs classrooms where you once were.
Around noon, I remember that I felt something very unusual that it made me look out the window and I saw a sparkle of light close to me, right there in the classroom. I was in Science class with Ms. Trevino, and after I saw this sparkle of light I looked at the clock and it was during that noon-ish hour. I didn't think anything of it until later.
After school I looked for mom or dad to pick me up after school. Neither showed up. My best friend's mom told me she was taking me home. I just loved driving around in their light blue VW van. They took me to their home over by Woodlawn lake and I waited for mom to get there. She picked me up and all I remember is that I was waiting for her as I looked out the door and I saw her walking up the walkway. Our drive home was quiet and I don't recall why she said she could not pick me up but she did begin to tell me that something was wrong with dad. When we arrived home, Tia Mine, dad's sister, was there and I remember she looked like she had been crying. Mom took me to the bathroom and told me that dad had shot himself. I covered my face and began to cry and I told her, "ok, so is the doctor going to take the bullet out? Let's go to the hospital right away and check on him". Mom was knelt in front of me and she grabbed my arms and just shook her head no, and I asked her why and she told me that he had died already.
At that moment I figured out that the little sparkle of light I saw in the classroom was dad's Spirit coming to see me and to bid me farewell. That little spark of his life was the last thing I saw of him.
If you recall, as children we use to run around in the back yard at night and catch those little light bugs and put them in containers to play with- if I had a container at that moment and had known that the little sparkle of light right before me in class was dad, I would have locked him up and asked him: why?
I was now fatherless. Aside from just becoming brotherless, I was now fatherless. What happened was that the two most important men in my life were now gone from my life and all within the span of 1 year, 8 months and 24 days. Now brother, this is just not fair. It gets worse.
The funeral was surreal to me. I felt as though I was being pushed along in a cloud. The funeral took place at Holy Rosary Church next to St. Mary's University, the university I graduated from in 1989. I wore a very bright lime green pant suit. I remember thinking I could pass for Kermit's girlfriend. Anyway, Father Ross was scheduled to do dad's mass but at the last minute, he didn't show. Some other priest did his mass but I do not recall his name. I am not sure if it had to do with the fact that dad committed suicide, but I think it did have to do with that. Really, though, I am not sure.
After the funeral, which also took place on what would have been mom and dad's 18th wedding anniversary, I learned the details of his death.
Dad found it necessary to place a rifle to his chest, right into his heart, while kneeling down in your room, and ended his life. Mom told me she had been on the phone with Dr. Tamez telling him of what he was doing when Dr. Tamez heard the shot, he called the ambulance and the police to our little home on Woodlawn Ave. Mom was interrogated by the police. I felt so badly for her having to go through all that, all alone, in what was now an official crime scene. I can't believe that in our little home, where we shared so many memories, was now a casket of darkness. It seemed as if dark clouds were choking us and I found it very hard to breathe. Needless to say, mom's day didn't go as planned and neither did mine. Our lives were shattered into a countless number- way beyond measure- that day and we can care less for reliving that day or the day that you disappeared. March is a month I really would rather just skip altogether
After dad's funeral, I was bullied at school by my classmates as they constantly questioned me what happened to my dad- they wanted to know how he died (I got the feeling they knew the truth somehow). I was given direct orders to say that he died from a heart attack because attending a Catholic school and adhering to strict beliefs held by the Catholic Church and of the commandments, especially, 'thou shall not kill', and that anyone who committed suicide went directly to hell.
I suffered from many dreams after that, seeing dad falling down into a hole of fire. I felt that every time my "friends" would ask me how dad died, they were laughing behind my back because I knew that they knew where my dad would end up.
Mom had pictures taken at the funeral in case she needed to show you. I don't think she would want to anyway because the rumors then began that dad did this because of you.
I don't really care to reason why he did this because I know now that anyone who can take their own life is not reasoning very well in their head and most of all I asked myself- wasn't I worth it for him to not do it? Wasn't mom worth if for him to not do it? There is no reasoning here- at all- but I do know there is forgiveness and God does forgive those who go to such lengths, those who are desperate and hurting beyond belief.
The day of March 24, 1977, began as regular as it could since your disappearance. Dad was now taking medications for depression and I did see him a bit uneasy that morning, walking back and forth from the hallway to the kitchen with his arms crossed, then holding his hands together, rubbing them as if in a pensive state, looking bewildered, appearing preoccupied in his deepest thoughts.
I had my usual breakfast of toast and juice and then mom took me to school. I was in 7th grade at Little Flower and I remember being excited that I was now in those upstairs classrooms where you once were.
Around noon, I remember that I felt something very unusual that it made me look out the window and I saw a sparkle of light close to me, right there in the classroom. I was in Science class with Ms. Trevino, and after I saw this sparkle of light I looked at the clock and it was during that noon-ish hour. I didn't think anything of it until later.
After school I looked for mom or dad to pick me up after school. Neither showed up. My best friend's mom told me she was taking me home. I just loved driving around in their light blue VW van. They took me to their home over by Woodlawn lake and I waited for mom to get there. She picked me up and all I remember is that I was waiting for her as I looked out the door and I saw her walking up the walkway. Our drive home was quiet and I don't recall why she said she could not pick me up but she did begin to tell me that something was wrong with dad. When we arrived home, Tia Mine, dad's sister, was there and I remember she looked like she had been crying. Mom took me to the bathroom and told me that dad had shot himself. I covered my face and began to cry and I told her, "ok, so is the doctor going to take the bullet out? Let's go to the hospital right away and check on him". Mom was knelt in front of me and she grabbed my arms and just shook her head no, and I asked her why and she told me that he had died already.
At that moment I figured out that the little sparkle of light I saw in the classroom was dad's Spirit coming to see me and to bid me farewell. That little spark of his life was the last thing I saw of him.
If you recall, as children we use to run around in the back yard at night and catch those little light bugs and put them in containers to play with- if I had a container at that moment and had known that the little sparkle of light right before me in class was dad, I would have locked him up and asked him: why?
I was now fatherless. Aside from just becoming brotherless, I was now fatherless. What happened was that the two most important men in my life were now gone from my life and all within the span of 1 year, 8 months and 24 days. Now brother, this is just not fair. It gets worse.
The funeral was surreal to me. I felt as though I was being pushed along in a cloud. The funeral took place at Holy Rosary Church next to St. Mary's University, the university I graduated from in 1989. I wore a very bright lime green pant suit. I remember thinking I could pass for Kermit's girlfriend. Anyway, Father Ross was scheduled to do dad's mass but at the last minute, he didn't show. Some other priest did his mass but I do not recall his name. I am not sure if it had to do with the fact that dad committed suicide, but I think it did have to do with that. Really, though, I am not sure.
After the funeral, which also took place on what would have been mom and dad's 18th wedding anniversary, I learned the details of his death.
Dad found it necessary to place a rifle to his chest, right into his heart, while kneeling down in your room, and ended his life. Mom told me she had been on the phone with Dr. Tamez telling him of what he was doing when Dr. Tamez heard the shot, he called the ambulance and the police to our little home on Woodlawn Ave. Mom was interrogated by the police. I felt so badly for her having to go through all that, all alone, in what was now an official crime scene. I can't believe that in our little home, where we shared so many memories, was now a casket of darkness. It seemed as if dark clouds were choking us and I found it very hard to breathe. Needless to say, mom's day didn't go as planned and neither did mine. Our lives were shattered into a countless number- way beyond measure- that day and we can care less for reliving that day or the day that you disappeared. March is a month I really would rather just skip altogether
After dad's funeral, I was bullied at school by my classmates as they constantly questioned me what happened to my dad- they wanted to know how he died (I got the feeling they knew the truth somehow). I was given direct orders to say that he died from a heart attack because attending a Catholic school and adhering to strict beliefs held by the Catholic Church and of the commandments, especially, 'thou shall not kill', and that anyone who committed suicide went directly to hell.
I suffered from many dreams after that, seeing dad falling down into a hole of fire. I felt that every time my "friends" would ask me how dad died, they were laughing behind my back because I knew that they knew where my dad would end up.
Mom had pictures taken at the funeral in case she needed to show you. I don't think she would want to anyway because the rumors then began that dad did this because of you.
I don't really care to reason why he did this because I know now that anyone who can take their own life is not reasoning very well in their head and most of all I asked myself- wasn't I worth it for him to not do it? Wasn't mom worth if for him to not do it? There is no reasoning here- at all- but I do know there is forgiveness and God does forgive those who go to such lengths, those who are desperate and hurting beyond belief.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Remembering you
Abuelita had high hopes to see you before she passed, so did Abuelito. They kept giving mom birthday cards for you on Christmas Eve every single year. She still has them to this day. I guess it was a manner in which our grandparents could keep your memory alive and doing this just proved that they believed in your return, as well. Now that they are gone, physically from earth, I truly believe they are watching over you from heaven above. Their love for you never relinquished. Just knowing that is enough said.
Friday, January 20, 2012
The little pink tennis outfit
I don't know if you remember how much we use to go play tennis at Woodlawn Park but I know I liked it very much. As a matter of fact, Dad use to play tennis with us a lot and I remember how one time I hit that tennis ball so hard that I sent my racquet flying across the net, too. It was so funny. Dad and I busted out in laughter that we just couldn't stop laughing. I can see that racquet flying really, really high and away and thinking to myself, "I shouldn't have done that!". Dad saw how much I enjoyed playing with him that he signed me up for tennis lessons at San Pedro Park. My first class was scheduled for June 29, 1975, that same Saturday that you disappeared from the Ayala family. Right before we left for Matagorda Beach after the phone call, I folded the little pink tennis outfit I was supposed to wear to my first tennis lesson and placed it in my dresser drawer. Seeing it just brought back the saddest memory for me.
This wasn't the only thing I withdrew from after you disappeared but also the guitar lessons, the piano lessons, the flute lessons and the clarinet lessons. It was as if the music died in me the day you became missing.
A few years ago, when I picked up the guitar to play at the church where I was teaching, I became overwhelmed because the music we were playing was from the '70's and it was music you and I use to sing to when we attended mass at Little Flower Church where we attended school.
This wasn't the only thing I withdrew from after you disappeared but also the guitar lessons, the piano lessons, the flute lessons and the clarinet lessons. It was as if the music died in me the day you became missing.
A few years ago, when I picked up the guitar to play at the church where I was teaching, I became overwhelmed because the music we were playing was from the '70's and it was music you and I use to sing to when we attended mass at Little Flower Church where we attended school.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Fifteen
So my brother had this girlfriend, Betty W., since he attended Little Flower School. Her best friend was Ana A. Ana had a boyfriend named Nick D. They were teenagers just wanting to be couples and dating and meeting every chance they could just to be together. It was cute to see my brother had a crush and really liked this girl. I just noticed that my brother was all about Betty now and he began to change a little bit by just giving more of his attention to her, but even with all this attention he gave her, he did manage to still give me that big birthday hug on November 15, 1974. I knew he was all into her but when I got that hug from him I felt it was all about me and I was so happy to get that hug from my brother. Had I only known that it would be the last birthday hug, I would have held on to him and never let go.
Betty was okay. I liked her. She was very pretty. Had long, straight, jet-black hair and big, beautiful dark eyes. With her white complexion, her eyes stood out more. She reminded me of Betty Boop because she just did. I also went to school at Little Flower with her little sister, Linda W. We were very good friends, Linda and I, until that day.
Betty was okay. I liked her. She was very pretty. Had long, straight, jet-black hair and big, beautiful dark eyes. With her white complexion, her eyes stood out more. She reminded me of Betty Boop because she just did. I also went to school at Little Flower with her little sister, Linda W. We were very good friends, Linda and I, until that day.
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