38 years ago

This past June 29th, 2013, was as any other day to many people but for mom and I, we wake up reliving the memories of our actions that day to the minute. It's hard for me to think of what mom is exactly thinking and going through, especially living alone, and it doesn't sit quite well with me. But we know what each other is actually doing without a word- we can simply look at each other and sigh a heavy breath and know exactly what we are feeling.
So this year, June 29th was a Saturday just like the day we last saw you and from the moment I awakened at 5 am I immediately saw myself peeking through those blinds and seeing you in dad's car driving out of the carport. You were yawning so big, you were so sleepy still and the fishing rod was in the car with you in the front seat.
On that day, 38 years ago, we went to Tio Kiko's to BBQ for 4th of July and everyone asked "where's junior?" and we told everyone that you went out with your friends and their family to the coast and you would be back soon. All our cousins were running around, playing outside in the hot sun, getting dirty and just having fun eating outside.
This past June 29th, Saturday, around 5pm the memories of us getting home from that BBQ surge in as in heavy salty waves- the ones you don't want to be in when swimming in the ocean. Wave after wave of memories from when we got home and answered the phone and got the news that they could not find you and Dad, standing there, holding the phone, with his arm across his forehead, his face facing the back door, pounding on the wall with his fist and crying. I didn't know what was going on, I was in my room looking at my pink tennis outfit I was to wear on my first tennis lesson at San Pedro Park. The next memory wave of a heavy hearted feeling when Dad told Mom, "we are leaving as soon as Sam and Rosie get here". I wondered where we were going but Dad didn't talk to me anymore, his mind was somewhere else.
This is a memory of the past and it's one that belongs to us and I am sure that everyone else in our family has their own recollections of what they were doing when you became missing. Everyone's wave of memories are different and heartfelt just as ours and I just wonder what you went through.
Can this dark memory of ours ever disappear? No one can tell I am sure but you on the other hand have the knowledge of those details surrounding your disappearance and it would be nice to get it all out in the open to solve this mystery.
Everyday I pray for you and the life you have chosen for yourself and for us because like it or not it is a domino effect on all of us but at night, before you go to bed, pray these words our Grandmother left us, these words she recited at 95 years of age before she passed just 2 days after what would have been our grandparents wedding anniversary in 2009, also 3 days before June 29th:
"O angel santo de mi guarda, ya ves que entregándome al sueño, voy a ponerme en estado que no puedo cuidar de mí, por eso necesito mas ahora de tu asistencia y cuidado. No permitas, santo Angel mío, que me domine el poder de las tinieblas, líbrame de sueños pesados, impuros y molestos en contra de mí, que al despertar por la mañana, no dejes que el demonio me robe las primicias del día, que no surgiere pensamiento alguno que afecte al que me lleve todo al corazón de mi creador. Amen. Dios conmigo, y yo con él, Diosito delante y yo detrás de él. La Santísima Cruz vaya delante de mí y El Señor que murió en élla, hable y responda por mí y aplaque los corazones que estén en contra de mí."
THESE ARE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S VERY WORDS- SAY THEM EVERY NIGHT, JUNIOR, AND DONT FORGET THAT WE STILL LOVE YOU AND ARE WAITING FOR  YOU TO COME HOME SOON.
Since you haven't seen me in 38 years, I will post some pictures of what you have missed in seeing your little sister growing up and now growing older.............

On your 53 Birthday Christmas Eve 2012

                   Remember the parties,
                                      Remember the cousins,
                                                         Remember the Aunts and Uncles,
                                                                              Remember Mom and Dad,
                                                                                                     Remember your little sister

                                                              Happy 53th Birthday
                                      To my brother Roger whom we have not seen since 1975
                                     Still waiting and hoping that one day you will return to us
                                                                         Soon
                                                    God Bless you wherever you may be

November 15, 2012

This day marked my 49th birthday. I haven't seen you since I was 11. Don't you think it's about time we reunite? You may not recognize me, of course, after 38 years, who would? Just a thought hermano. Si la tristeza grece durante los annos, quien nos puede salvar?

A tailgate party forms the past

I still wonder why you didn't attend Holy Cross HS since we lived so close to it, anyhow, I did see one of your friends from Little Flower school, Danny De Luna. He recognized my husband, who also attended Little Flower, and that is how the conversation began. As soon as he mentioned that he graduated from Holy Cross in 1978, I asked him if he remembered you and he said "yeah, the one that drowned, right?" and I mentioned to him that we believe you are alive to this day. I explained to him how you were seen by many people after your disappearance and I told him that even Betty and Ana saw you at San Pedro park but by the time they went to go get Ana's mom to have her see you for herself, you were already gone. Danny now works for the county Sheriff's department and it was just great seeing someone from back then, someone that remembered you.

More pet stories

Our dog Spotty

You can obviously tell it was you, Junior, who took this picture of our dog Spotty. You can see your shadow on the ground. I'm not sure what kind of breed he was but I just remember he being a very good dog to us, very gentle and protective and not at all hostile with our neighbors. Spotty lived to be very old. He got to make the move with mom and I after dad passed away. He took good care of us until he quietly died. He never led us to suspect he was going to leave us. He even died while doing what he did best, surveying the back yard and that is where he was found, standing under some hanging bushes by a stone wall in our back yard, hiding his face from us, as if he did not want to see us look at him as he slipped away or he did not want to say good bye to us, either. Spotty was the dog we got when dad traded our big white German Shepherd Bozo for him because Bozo use to jump over the fence and chase the post man away! Bozo also chewed up my Mrs. Beasley doll. (You know if you watch MeTV you can see that doll on the show called Family Affair.)  

"Snoopy for President"  click on this link to hear the song by The Royal Guardsmen

                                                                    Our dog Snoopy
Back in April of 1973, Snoopy was a puppy. I remember we were big fans of the comic Snoopy also and we even enjoyed listening to your 45 record of that song "Snoopy for President". When you left us 2 years and 2 months after you took this picture, Snoopy went on a hunt for you. He managed to get out of the yard some how and got run over one night but not just once, it appears twice as dad suspected. Snoopy was hurt badly and I remember when dad walked in the door and I saw his face, a face that said I don't want to say anything about what I just saw outside, but he came in to get a box and a towel and we went outside to put Snoopy in the box, very carefully, because he was bleeding and two legs were broken on his right side. We took him to the vet over on St. Cloud and Woodlawn, the one by the bank, and we waited for the vet to examine him. Dad and I waited in the waiting room for quite some time and the vet finally came out and told us that he was in very bad shape. He told us it would cost $800.00 to do surgery on him because of his broken bones. Dad and I just looked at each other and he had this look that told me that the surgery was not an option at all. Back then mom and dad were just paying $45.00 a month on the house payment for a new home! And the vet wanted $800.00? Then the vet gave us an option, and I thought it was going to be a good one, he said "Or we can put him to sleep". I looked at dad and said "Why does he want Snoopy to sleep right now? Snoopy is scared and thirsty and hungry." Dad just shook his head and told the doctor thanks, but we were just going to take him home with us. I eventually learned as I was growing up that the vet meant to kill him- put him to sleep forever- wow well that never crossed my mind.
I was so used to seeing dad taking care of everything and fixing everything for us and I just knew he could help Snoopy through this almost tragedy. We went to abuelita's house but on the way we stopped at the store to buy some frozen popsicles. When we got to the house, mom and I passed out popsicles for everyone to eat and then dad asked me to collect the little wooden sticks and wash them. While we were eating these popsicles, 'buelita gave Snoopy some left overs, probably of rice and beans, and he ate it up as if he hadn't eaten in days so he got his energy up and I recall dad saying that it was a good sign that he had his appetite back. Snoopy could not get around on his own and all the cousins were just looking at him in the box. Dad then came out to the back yard and brought some gauze tape and the wooden popsicle sticks already dried up from the wash and he made Snoopy a couple of splints over his legs. I could not believe what our dad had thought of and more than that- those splints worked! Snoopy limped around with those little make shift leg casts and he made it through like this until he completely healed from his back leg and his front one stayed with a little limp. Everyone was shocked to see that Snoopy actually survived.
Snoopy also joined mom and I on our move after dad passed away and he lived to be very old. I use to make him scrambled eggs and cream cheese in the morning and he just loved that. I was in my first year in college at SAC and I recall feeling something at around noon during English composition class and when I got home, I found Snoopy on the floor in our house. He waited to take his last breath when he saw me and I immediately called mom at work. Mom, well she began to cry over the phone and she took the rest of the day off from work to just be at home and think about Snoopy. To this day she does not want to take care of any puppy at all because she was so close to Snoopy.

37th in 2012

37 years ago today was the last time I ever saw you, when I peeked out those blinds and saw you drive off with dad that early morning to meet with Betty Witherspoon, Nick Diaz, his sister, Ana Ayala and her family;

37 years ago today was the last time I ever heard your voice talking to mom in the kitchen before you left with dad;

37 years ago today was the last time I ever had my brother to laugh with, to play with, to fight over Snicker's candy bars with;

37 years ago today was the last time I was a sibling, left to be an only child;

37 years ago today was the last time I got to love my brother with that last look of him through those blinds;

For these past 37 years, it's as if mom and I have been living a surreal dream- one we are wanting to wake up from- one we are no longer wanting to part of- one that we want to end;

For God's sake and mom's please just pick up the phone and call her- she is waiting for you to call her- she's actually expecting it- she will be fine believe me- she has so much faith in God that you will return to her and hopefully with a handful of grandkids that she so desperately wants to see;

37 years ago today began the story of what is yours, mine, mom's, our uncles and aunts and our cousins;

37 years ago today- June 29th, 1975, was the saddest day for all of us.

God bless you Junior, wherever you may be and I just hope that for these past 37 years you have not forgotten who your family is, where you came from and that we expect you home very, very soon.

37 years is a long time ago, but it's as if it were just this morning, when I peeked out my blinds here at home and I saw you and dad driving out from our little driveway at our little home on Woodlawn street. That image will forever be engraved in my mind.

37 years ago today was the last day I ever got to see your big, beautiful eyes, so sleepy that I wondered why you had to go on that trip; I wondered why you didn't just come back inside and go to sleep because it was so early in the morning;

37 years ago today you could have seen me at my 1st tennis lesson; you could have been with the whole family and Tio Kiko's BBQ................

Mother's day Father's day 2012

This last Mother's day was, as it has been, ever since you disappeared, a most unhappy one for our mom.
I cannot even imagine what mom feels on Mother's day- maybe it's just the same feeling she has felt since June 29, 1975.
I try to band-aid her emotions but nothing, absolutely nothing, works. She tries to make herself feel better by doing things to occupy herself but in reality, she spends so much of her time at church, in church, with the church, that it has become somewhat of a band-aid for her emotions.
I just know that, now as a mother myself, I would pretty much live in despair and find it very difficult to go through the motions of being happy, of being alive, of just being, but without someone that you loved so much with all your heart and soul.
It's just not fair that this day has to come every year, because year after year, mom is just reminded about mothering a most wonderful son she no longer has anymore, has no idea what has happened to him or has no definitive expectations of ever seeing him again.
It's just not a Happy Mother's day at all for mom without you here and that is why it has taken me a while to write this since last May but in all honesty, it would just be better if it never came around for her at all. No matter what I do, what I give her, what I write to her on her card, it's not closure to your chapter- your chapter is left opened and untouched for so long now.
Maybe one day soon...
And now with Father's day right around the corner, I must wonder, if you, as a father, would even think of unleashing the past and letting all be known for the sake of how our dad once felt about you. Mirror images of who we are and what we have become are unexpected but worth the rare occasion because we actually do become our parents in a weird way- we would never think of it as young kids but it's a reality that faces us with time and if you are a father- what is it you tell your kids about your past? About your family? Too much mystery cannot last forever.